A broken family

I am very fortunate to have not grow in a broken family..
But i guess, i am guilty to my children..

Looking at my son playing by himself sometimes gives my heart a sour kind of feel..
And when he finally have a siblings, they would need to face what we always only see in drama..

I wish turning back the time is possible.. as to turning back all the negative feel..

But the only thing i know is.. you are just enjoying yourself although you said you didn't..

Why am i so sure? You probably should ask your lover what she had done.. and if there's no answer, you never know what harm has she done to me..

People tell me not to blame myself for what had happen.. but if it's not my fault, then why does this feels like my punishment that directly drag my children into it?

Show me how it can be done instead of just asking around with words.. because your words are not that influencing anymore.. 

The tense of nervous

Date is getting near each time i blink my eyes..
The nervous of feeling uncertainty appears..
Although many would say it will be alright..
But who knows, accident may happen, right?

Bone are getting more pain each day..
Mom say it's normal because near to due date..
Doctor said the same thing as well..
I, myself, try to bare all of it with smile..  :)

Of course i'm feeling more tired each day..
Not to complain because i know my responsibilities..
As long as they are healthy and strong..
A little pain to me means nothing compare to their smiles  :)

Dear J

As fake as it can be, i would like you to know that i appreciate all the words you said, and all the pictures you sent..

Although it may seem impossible for us to meet, i can feel you close with just simple conversation over text..

You made me realise that besides physically being protected is important, the heart need protection as well.. and if a person can't protect you mentally, how can you expect that person to protect you physically?

Stalking used to be a scary stuff to me.. but with you, it seems like more to concern than stalking..

Your age is young but your mind is not.. you do what you said without letting me sad for long :)

As a friend, you truly did more than what you can do.. and as a friend, it's touching for me.. 

Thank you!

Words

Yeah, just go on with your words..
Pretending like it never happened..
And continue with your lies..

You think i'm dumb..
But you didn't know i'm feeling hurt..

Frustrating enough

There are times where when you know that person is lying straight to your face and you couldn't say anything, that's frustrating enough..

When you feel awfully hurt and no one knows, that's frustrating enough..

With less sleep and lots of thinking, that's frustrating enough!

Just yesterday, for the first time, i experienced the major bone pain that is enough to make me cry.. without anyone's help, i need to forcefully massage myself and slowly went back to sleep..

It wasn't the pain that frustrated me the most.. but the moment of no one is gonna help me go through it the most..

Just when i tell myself to enjoy being with another person like how you do, i feel frustrated for not able to enjoy it yet.. 

When devils are angels

People often thinks that when a relationship goes wrong, females are the one who turned into ugly devils..
They can say stuff, do stuff, make stuff, to create an ugly scene..

But has anyone think that the "innocent" one are actually the scariest one?

He always thinks that im the one who is being over reacting.. over thinking..
But can you still be calm when she came to you with all those messages and screenshots of how he cheated on you?

Yeah, i may be putting all of my emotion on my face.. but i know im not the one who secretly being devil behind and act innocent infront just to let people pity me..

I do wish that one day he would know what im going through behind.. and what is she saying to me that hurts me the most..
But then again, what's the use when his heart is already by her side?

To him, she's the angel.. and how could a devil like me beats the angel? 

Communications

In this month of joy festival, i came to realise that many of us are adapting western culture..
A short walk at the mall enable me to witness how many it is for those who buys and wrap for presents day!

Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle all the way!~~

Not to mention on myself, this month has been the most spent of the year without spending on myself..

Then, when i was enjoying my chocolate at a local Starbucks, i saw what many of us lack of -- communications..

People used to look at each other and talk.. smiles, frown, angry, excited, sad, you name it..
But now, they are just looking at there gadgets with Internet access even when there are another person sitting right next to them..

Don't get me wrong, im not putting the blame on anyone.. but when was the last time you talk to a stranger without feeling weird?

As i was about to take another sip, a man walk over randomly and start talking to me.. he looks like one of my university lecturer.. and that 10min of talks with him is actually (i don't remember when was the last time) the first time i talk to a stranger that long for this month..

When technology are suppose to give us more positive note on communicating, it seems like we take it for granted for negative purposes.. 

It's December!

All of the sudden, it came to me the memories of 2 years ago today..

2 years ago today, i decided to stay in a relationship i thought it's right..
Not long later, i have my son..

2 years ago today, i thought every sad thing is over..
But.. it never did..

2 years ago today, i foolishly lied to myself..
To convince myself that it's all okay..
To try very hard telling myself to forget everything while being pregnant..

2 years later today, im doing the same..
To tell myself to move on, and to face depression..

How many 2 years can a woman have that coincidently have to face so many stuff in her mind during her pregnancy? There may be a few but who would have really know what are they struggling inside?

Perhaps they shouldn't be pity at because some may say "hey! It's their fault for over thinking.. it is their decision!".. 

But really, will they be doing what they are doing if everything wasn't so suspicious at the 1st place?

December, a Christmas month, should be a joyful one.. finger cross one will happen for myself too.. :)