To my lover

You always have that tender hand to touch my heart..
You never fail to make me smile when im down..
You are always there even when you know you'll be neglected by me..
Your actions always melt my entire self..

I love the way you look at me with love..
I love the way you wipe my tears..
I love the way you hold my face and kiss me..
I love the way you run and hug me..

I'm glad that God has bring you to me..
I'm happy that you are around..
I promise to love you for all my life..
I know even if i fail, you'll never let me go..

I pray for you to be healthy..
I wish for you to stay longer..
I know one day we will be apart..
But let that apart be heaven and earth.. 

Speechless

Why do you have to be so cruel?
Why must you do stuff that you still lied about?
Is it that fun to know im suffering for all these?

There's never a stop for you because you think that it's all okay..
You never even once feel really sorry about it because all you have is words..
You only do what you feel like doing even if it's bad because you think time will wash it all away..

You never feel guilty about it.. 
You just continue to do what you think is sweet for you..
You just lied to all because that's what saving your face..

You were never real

Is it true that if you want your dreams comes true, then you shouldn't tell anyone?
Or is it true that if you want your dreams comes true, then you should tell someone?

They say for happiness you should chase for what you want.. or will you be rather blind one eyes to enjoy the happiness?

If it is true that you need to experience sadness to know what happiness is.. then why do people hate to see another one being emotional?

They say we should voice out how we feel because no one lives in you.. no one can possibly know how you feel if you don't tell them.. then why is it when one decided to voice out, it has become an open door for people to critic? 

Why is it that so many lovers will swear and say "im willing to sacrifice for my love one".. but in reality, no one is willing to use their one second of happiness in exchange with 60 second of sadness..

If honesty is really the best policy, why do we still choose to lie for the excitement? 

If loyalty really exists, then why are there so many temptations to shattered humans unlimited wants..

I know you were never real because you enjoy living in a world of lies thinking that's how it should be done.. and people around you are only standing there watching their heart bleed..

The heart were never meant to beat for you.. but somehow, when it does, it didn't realise that this is just another dead end..

I can never go blind because i can never accept what you are doing.. but was this all real or just a story im lying myself too? 

Enjoying myself

I enjoy being pregnant.. and i enjoy being a mom..
Now, i need to start enjoy being a single mom..

When i was 18, i already start to think of being pregnant.. simply because i think all pregnant ladies are gorgeous! 

The other day, i was carrying my son while he's taking a nap.. i couldn't pass him to anyone or put him into stroller because he will be awake and start to cry.. and then, i guess he was having nightmare, his tiny hand was holding to my shirt so tight as if someone gonna steal him away.. at that moment, some random thoughts struck me and i never wanna let go even though my hand are already sore until not able to bend..

I, too, wish for a man i can hold on to when im having nightmare.. someone who can kiss away my pain.. someone who rather hurt himself in exchange for my smiles.. but life isn't this perfect..

Having to go through all these isn't easy.. because it feels like forever especially the one i thought who is loving me, actually blame me for all that is happening.. it definitely hurts to know how she told me he said she can give her the love feeling and at the same time, he's proving to me that she's right..

People says human will tend to be more mature once they have children.. but in my case, i don't see how it can happen.. 

As much as i love to tell them that im enjoying my life now, it is a million times depressed as ever.. 

The hopeless me

If anyone were to ask me now, do i still put hope into something i know wouldn't happen? My answer would be yes.

That's because whenever whatever happen to me, i still wanted to share with him..
Whenever a special day is around the corner, i still hope that he'll date me out..

At the same time, i know im thinking too much because it will never happen.. i know because i know him.. and it is much more utterly sad to know he rather spend time with her..

Maybe, it was because of me having too much free time.. or maybe it's the hormone imbalance that affecting my thinking.. but has anyone thought that maybe it is because this is what i wanted as well?

With this guy, i could say that i've experience a lot of moments that i never had with another human being.. but this guy also chooses to treat another girl the same way he treated me.. it does hurt when i realize i wasn't "the only one" for him.. but what's really hurt is that when i know he lied to me in order to protect her..

I hate myself for thinking i was the special one.. and i also hate myself for putting hope on something i know wouldn't happen..

Im not sure about how other female feels.. but i know, all human just wanted to feel that they're important to their significant other.. 

And all human wants, is just to be loved.. but no magic will happen if both does not want it to be magical.. :(

What's important?

Most of the time when a relationship goes wrong, finger will be pointing to one direction.. and that direction often won't be our own if it's your hand..

As a female myself, i recently discovered that no matter what happen, i just wanna feel important.. i wanna feel like i am important to you..

I cannot speak on behalf of all the female out there, especially not for the guys, but sometimes it only takes a little effort to make someone feel they are important..

Words are one of it but it doesn't leave much impact.. like, think of what you have done the first time when you start chasing her? What kind of things that you have done to make her laugh hard? All these simple gesture can enough show her that she is important to you..

Whether in movie or real life, we were taught to chase our own happiness and never let go especially when you know the other half don't wanna let go as well.. so how hard can it be to make someone feel they are important if it is truly from your sincere heart? How hard it is to make me feel like i am important to you?

I just wanna feel like i am important again.. and maybe, everything can be changed.. :(

8788

No, im not giving away a guarantee winning lottery number..
But this 4 digits was special to me..

We put this as part of our nicknames, passwords, usernames, whichever and whenever we needed to create something..
It was once a beautiful number but somehow, it got ugly..

Going to places that accidently bump into this number just brings backs a lot of memories we created.. from the places we went, people we seen, conversations we had and experiences i never once had with anyone else..

Was driving around today to some of the places we once stop.. Sunway, Damansara, PJ, KL, and spent most of the time in car just looking out the window and "see" how we used to be..

Yeah, it is like in drama.. only this, is my movie :) ..

I know people would say im doing useless stuff.. but what is useful? To tear off the paper? To foolishly going back? Or to create drama so that people notice me? There won't be a useful things if there's aren't 2 people willing to work hard in "repairing" a relationship.. 

If there's only one side who's willing to do so, then karma will come back and repeat the same history again and again..

Not to sound like blaming anyone, but when people tells me i'll be fine, would they even know what is my definition of being "fine"? Sadly, at this moment, there's none.. really none.. 

To you, keeping quiet may be the best solution for you.. but it isn't working for me.. because staying silent is not the best communication to send a clear message over.. 

useless body

What can a pregnant lady do if all she have is lots of time? 

My body rest a lot, but not the mind.. to have a really good sleep has suddenly be the most difficult task for me to complete.. not sure why (maybe it was because of a lot of thinking), but it is just difficult..

Browsing through social network, i realize people around me begins to get married, having first or second child of their own, and just sharing their joy.. 

Smiling for them sometimes makes me think back about the past.. day time, it will be about happy moments.. and when night comes, it's sad moment.. maybe crying, at the moment, is the only solution for me to fall asleep faster..

When i first know im pregnant with 2nd child and lost my job, i wasn't sad.. because i know i have a home.. a home where my husband and my son will be there, to meet both at the same time.. but who would have know it ended up otherwise? :(

I used to tell people that im staying in this marriage solely because of my children.. but was it really only for my children or was it love?

Sometimes i really hate this useless body of mine.. because she often do stuff what people tells her to do.. and do stuff she know she doesn't want to do.. sometimes she also ignores what her body wants, and just do what she thinks is right..

but the heart really not comfortable with her body right now.. :'(

Another love story

It feels so strange to use a new identity to attend a wedding dinner..
Initially i thought to go with you but it ended up the wrong way..

I never knew what seems to be minor stuff can end up in a huge turnover.. maybe, this is just my fate...

There's one time i wonder.. there are people who struggle to meet each other everyday.. so why are we still arguing over little things? I think, it is because the little things that makes a great impact..

I tried to be positive.. but negativity always wins.. i tried to stay happy.. but the fakeness always overcomes me.. 

I want the whole world to know how fake i am being.. i want you to know how suffer i am.. but it's not because i wanted a revenge.. but because i want you to know what do i really want..

When i always say i wanted a divorce, my action still tells me to stay.. when im really sure i wanted to stay not because of the childrens, you ask me to leave :(

Witness another love story today does makes me sad.. because we were once the lead of the night.. and even though the ending is sad for me, the beginning is very sweet..

The abnormal me

What are the odds that you're crying while watching a comedy?

Recently it rains a lot.. today is not excluded and i was staring outside the door "travelling" to i don't know where..

Not sure how to express myself but it's weird.. it's like there's 2 part of me debating which mask should i wear for people to see me today, because there's no one can handle the real me..

Even i sometimes wonder am i talking to someone or im just mumbling to myself..

I don't even know whether i still cannot accept the fact or i just don't want a divorce..

You said i'll be better here.. but look at me now.. am i really any better?

Today, you're missing in action.. im not able to find you anywhere.. hence, im only a walking body with no soul.. i tried to look for you so that i can find my smile.. but you were gone for the day.. :(

You said to be "your sunshine" because you hope whoever saw your messages will at least smile for that second.. 

But today, where my sunshine went? :(