Probability of "If"

Can someone tell me why a person can change to treating you like friend so fast after loving you for at least 4 years? 

If it wasn't for a new love, then why? How?

I know there can be a lot of reasons.. but what are the probability of "If"? 50%? 80%? 0%?

Many have asked me, am i sure this is the only way? I stay silent.. some asked me to just cut it off.. I stay silent.. few asked me to endure.. I stay silent..

But silent doesn't mean I'm not thinking at all.. it's just there's really alot going on in my mind even until now..

You may think if all these ended, i wouldn't be this suffer.. but i can tell you, then, you're wrong for making a conclusion for me.. 

Not sure why

15w3d of pregnancy, my weight has lost again.. not sure why but fortunately, baby's healthy.. 

Can feel my bone is cracking as it has been really painful lately.. a simple walk require a lot of strength than i usually need to.. not sure why, but hopefully it's nothing serious..

The other day, bought my family to short walk at Pavilion.. thanks to few AMEX friends that invited me over.. 

Just when we're about to head home, not sure why, but my heart automatically does feel like wanted to go back to Cheras.. nothing serious, maybe it's just a habit or a daily routine..

I've told myself that what's done is done.. no point on hanging on or hoping for stuff that i know for sure won't happen.. not sure why, but a little part of me still hoping..

There are a lot of thing im not sure of.. but im sure that when a person doesn't want you to be in part of their life, it's pretty obvious you can feel it :)

Girl, Lady, Woman

A female, of any kind, like you to do the small little stuff that can constantly remind you of her..

A simple text of "i miss you", or a simple touch of holding her hand can just melt any female's heart - provided she has the same feel to you too :)

Many often forget of such simplicity simply because they do not get the response they expected, or it is just time that brain washed them and tell them to automaticly stop doing so.. which are you? :)

A simple gesture of just looking at her, can already make her feel uneasy and thus, making her blush.. it's never a bad thing because you never know it is actually a sign of her falling for you.. but be wise, because temptation are all around ;)

Next time, carefully observe female around you.. and you'll find out that a simple act can already make them smile :)

What about the male? I'm not sure.. maybe you can tell me :)

Those were once a sweaty palm

Appreciate those who holds you tightly with love.. because you'll never know when will they let go

I always believe that no matter how hard it can be, nothing is impossible when you know your loved ones are around.. but at the end of the day, everyone and anyone can leave..

Perhaps all of us are just being selfish.. wanting the best for ourselves..

But i think, if silent are meant to be, then why do we advice people to communicate more?

Maybe, im just confused.. yeah, maybe im just confused..

Happy birthday, my Cyrus

Happy birthday, my Cyrus! On your 2nd birthday, it is also my 2nd anniversary on being a mom.. so it is sad for me not able to celebrate it with you..

Anyhow, we will still have many years to go.. and at that time, we will able to celebrate it together with your sibling :)

I wish you grow healthy and be happy always!

I'm a fool!

I naively thought that i could make all of these does not happen before.. for being a fool, i cried..

I never thought im loving someone that is so cold.. i never thought someone i love really can be so cold to me.. watching me cry but he can still be happy.. :(

There's really a part of me really wanted to die.. then to start this all over again.. because i still refuse to believe and accept someone who love me doesn't love me anymore.. i really don't believe it :'(

Im a fool for making myself so dramatic.. im a fool for making myself this bad.. im a fool for refusing love when love is just by my side.. :( 

It's just another day

For most people, 20th August is just another day.. well, to me, it is still another day except it's my birthday :)

Never would i imagine my birthday would feel so empty in heart.. Know nothing but a blank smile..

I guess, one of the thing i should feel happy is that my children still have my heart.. because knowing very obvious i do not exists in your heart anymore :( 

Again, i still do not know why.. and why is always linger around my thoughts.. and... i do not know what to say or do anymore except cry :') 

To find a person and have sex with is easy, but to find a person who loves you sincerely is hard.. So cherish the moment he/she still holding your hand.. because you'll never know when they'll let go..

For this birthday wish, i wish for myself to be happy.. but instead, i actually wish all of these never happened..

Happy Birthday to me!

Say you, say me - you've changed

Recently i see each situation in 2 ways - the good and the bad.. Not sure which are right but it definitely makes my head having severe headache :( .. Not being drama but this is what actually happening to me

I may look okay, but i'm not strong.. To say 4 years is nothing is actually a lie.. 

For most of the people, they would say i'm blaming you or you're counting my mistake.. but the truth is because both of us feel we've changed towards each other.. one thing im sure with myself is - no matter how much i made you feel i wanted a separation, i'm just fooling myself by saying i do not love you. 

I can never accept why you've changed so fast into being so cruel in just few days.. one time we're still talking about next year chinese new year and our unborn child.. but the next time, you insists in divorce no matter what i said or what i've done..

I can only convince myself that i'm no longer the one you love, and that you have found another new lover :') 

I think, it is only a matter of time where you will introduce this new lover to the world.. I can only hurt myself so much by telling myself "wake up Maggie, he found a new love.. just let him go"..

I struggle a lot between my brain and my heart.. To be struggle so much during pregnancy is not what i want.. This too much can make me afraid of myself that i would really die..

I always imagine that when i have leg cramp in the middle of the night, i'm able to wake you up who is just sleeping next to me.. When i'm tired of walking, you will hold my hand and lead me to a rest place.. when i feel like eating weird stuff on odd time, you will always be the one who accompany me eat..

The moment i'm feeling now is like a husband, found new love, and just leave his family apart.. 

Now, i need to learn to be alone.. as simple as watching a movie in cinema.. i would need to go alone instead of hoping you'll be there with me.. :') 

Because everything you do now, is just like a normal friend would do..
Because everything you do now, is just like concerning the children and not me..

Birthday wishes? Just hoping my tears would be the tears of joy and not the tears of sadness  :)

Time is needed but hope is still there

Not sure how to start this but somehow, a part of me still having that hope..

The hope of spending more time never gone even though i know it is impossible.. let's just say, i'm lying to myself :)

Looking at the time of how it passes by so fast, i cannot believe the time for me to have gone forever is so near.. never have i felt so heavy heart except when someone passes away and you'll know for sure you won't be able to spend time when him/her  

I know if i want something to happen, i should make an effort to make it happen.. but i also know, you will feel i'm troublesome if i do so.. at least, to what i think, you will feel that way :)

I know time is needed to forget about you.. so i will give time to myself to forget about you.. :)

The last memory of 4th anniversary

Happy 4th anniversary, my husband! 

This will be the last time i can ever wish you this.. initially i thought of asking you out for the last time.. but then i told myself that there's no point to do so when your heart doesn't have me anymore  :)

I know it's not often of people who remember their anniversary.. but i do.. although i may not say it out, but i still remember..

To some, the number 14 may be a bad luck number especially to chinese beliefs.. but to me, it represent love all the time.. 

We chose to start on the 14th.. and each month of 14th represent different valentine.. we even chose 14th to legally registered as husband and wife.. this, more or less, means that the love are our witness to take care of us from beyond.. 

But now, it may be just a number to you.. :)

Yes, it is definitely sad for me to know i'll be celebrating this alone.. but what can i do, right?

Anyway, as of today we're still legally bond, Happy 4th Anniversary!!  :)

Who am i kidding?

Human only appreciate what's gone.. because when it no longer belongs to you, you'll realise how important it is to you..

Same goes to me.. i always take you for granted.. i know.. as a wife, i rarely fulfil your sexual needs, i rarely call you husband, i treated you coldly, i didn't introduce you to my friends, i rarely wanna go anywhere with you..

But i know, even if i've done so, coming back home, there's still you.. seeing you being impatient makes me happy.. like when you know someone touches me inappropriately, you'll go mad searching for that person.. i smiled in my heart :)

When i always says i didn't love you, i didn't realise im lying to myself.. who in the world can be pregnant with your kid if there's no love? When i said it's none of my business, i lied.. i wanted to know everything but i trusted you for not doing stuff that's hurting me.. i smiled in my heart :)

I'm wrong for not telling you how much i missed you or think of you when you're not around.. even when it is just work, i still didn't tell you because i know, looking at the time, u're coming back home soon.. i smiled in my heart :)

I enjoyed all the pamper you gave me.. and im greedy in wanting more.. but i neglected your feeling at the same time.. im sorry :)

Remember back when we first went to our trip at langkawi, you were being upset when i reject to be your girl.. some part of me smile, because i feel special.. no one ever asked me before and i like that..

Until the time where we first hold hand, the shyness on your face makes my heart melt, cause i never seen someone so happy and shy at the same time by just holding hand.. i smiled in my heart.. and remember the moon? :)

After i quit my recent job, of course im happy for don't have to work anymore.. after you have finally found a job, i decided not to work anymore.. frankly speaking, i really want to just be a housewife.. im not saying this because im afraid of not being attractive anymore.. but because i really wanna spend the rest of my life in this family..

I never forget what we gone through, and not saying that you are.. but because our time has not much left, it's like death to me.. so that's why all these thoughts came back..

I'm not posting this to hope for a change.. because we both have given up.. you're tired, i know.. so i sincerely want you to get some rest :)

nightmare :(

Wasn't sure if i'm affected by lack of sleep recently, but when i do sleep, nightmares arrived. 

I've dreamt of me being dead.. and at my graveyard, i saw my family sobbing and crying.. and then i woke up crying.. 

This dream happen twice and it gives me a kind of bad feeling.. a feeling that i know it'll come true..

Just yesterday, i dream i'm being killed with a razor blade and a kitchen knife.. and i shout till i woke up.. seeing no one but my son - sound asleep..

I know, a dream is a dream.. but in the past, when i dream of these, i had accident.. twice that i remember i thank God for not sending me to hell..

But this time, i wanna go hell.. i wanna rebirth again if i can.. im not saying im giving up my life now.. but i know i have thought several time of dying while giving birth..

24 hours

How many of us can stand not falling asleep for 24 hours just to drain out the tears within?

A lot of thoughts going on, a lot of memories came in and out.. of how we knew each other, to a trip, to dating, to accident, to marriage, to kid.. one destination we unable to reached is to old and death..

Looking back, we have a lot of mistakes and lies.. but none of us would take the blame or responsibility to do what we promised.. i guess, this means we don't love each other enough? Or should i say, we can't stand of those temptations around us..

When one life is in danger, and he/she still chooses to stay in risk of danger just to wait for his/her spouse, is this love? 

4 years is not a short period of time, but it is enough for one to feel heavy hearted..

Goodbye, with love..

14th August

14th August is where all these started, and soon, 14th August is where all these end..

They say it's fate of what all happened and how it becomes a complete piece of puzzle set.. but i would rather say, part of it is by human action..

You say that i might be thinking too much.. but will that thinking be ever exist if there really isn't anything for me to think about? And even if so, what have you did to secure me in believing that i am just being overly thinking?

Clap goes both ways, tango goes both ways.. when one finger points out, at least 3 fingers point back yourself..

I've always thought that i could prove to my family and relative that we're different.. and that we will go till the end where only death do us part.. but it turns out, i'm the one being the fool..

You are not the mistake and failure, cause the one who fail is me.. i chose this path of going on and now, time for an end..

I do not know why you did this during my birthday month.. but as i said, i never really like my birthday cause there will be some issue happens and i do not like it..

Silent tears struke me for nights.. because this is the only way im able to sleep.. but i wish and i know, one day, i no longer needs to hug those tears to bed

Decisions

It is the time where one should decide already that enough is enough..

This was not meant to be, and there is no turning back this time..

Once a cheater, always a cheater

I once thought foolishly that a person can change given some enough time.. but it turns out, i was wrong..

Just when i thought you are changing to be better, you show me again that you never will..

Go on with your lies and find your excitement outside.. and never come back to touch me physically and mentally..

One day, we'll go our separate ways.. this, i promise you!