The Issue

It's been awhile since i last sleep soundly..

In my guess, it's been roughly 2-3weeks since i have this problem..

Insomnia, as they phrased it.. but i failed eventhough i've tried many ways either modern or tradisional way..

I guess to do the basic step of clearing everything in my mind is the hardest ones..

I've never tell any1 about the whole true story..

and all is kept within me..

to make others not to worry bout me, end up me being suffer myself..

rather to consult psychiatrist, i'll spill it out here =)

When i first deliver the news to family, none was happy about it..

showing faces, spilling words, easy to get out from them, but hard for me to digest..

Again, i have to swallow everything in myself..

I admit i'm not strong enough.. i AM emotion-full at times..

SO yes, i did cry alot alot of time but not infront of them of coz..

What's bothering them, i have the same doubt too..

I did think for myself, am i capable of handle it? Am i stable in condition to face future challenges? Aren't this coming in a wrong time?

I begin to worry and worry.. pressure and stress.. keeping myself shut and juz pouring tears under the blanket..

Until the very 1st time, i saw the monitor.. Saw the small little bean size begin in me, then everything seems to be fade away.. no worries, no pressure, no stress, just peace..

Just by putting my palm on it, the kind of peace is hard to describe by words..

A second of peace, brings a lifetime of hardship..

Because worries of financial condition, i stay on to job eventhough it's hard..

In no other optional ways, i have to carry stuff..

In no other ways, i have to smile eventhough it's not a happy situation..

Being careful in every food i eat, every drinks i drink, every step i take, just for the sake of the magic little ones..

Im human too, u know?

besides staying being positive, i have my negative thinking moments too..

Because i cannot feel any supporter, i did think of letting it go..

Thinking perhaps this is the only way make everyone happy..

Thinking perhaps this is the only solution for all the problems..

Then, Sis asked me.. "are you sure you can do it?"

i paused and then answered.. "no"..

How could any1 possibly do it?

It's a life you are letting it go.. It's ur magic little ones..

Girls, they are very special..

They hold a kind of what we called 6th sense, and it's often true..

1 week b4 the check up, i felt something is wrong.. until i saw the monitor, it's confirmed in solid proof..

1st doctor, 2nd doctor, 3rd doctor, all giving me the same answer..

By now, letting it go is no longer an optional, it's a must..

No one knows how much liter of tears i've poured, because i also lost count myself..

Holding my palm on it again, praying and praying that's not true..

Hoping and wishing it was just a dream and i must wake up real soon..

The day i admitted into hosp, i thought i already accept it..

Until they push me in to surgery room and wait..

i was sitting alone watching ppl walk pass here and there..

Holding both my palm and begin to talk to "him"..

..."i'm not willingly let you go now.. it's under force condition.. i really really wish the day was delivery day and not letting you go.. "

A nurse then come along, checking paperwork by my side and asked me.. "are you comfortable?"

I then answered.. "how can i be comfortable for doing such procedure?"

Tears immediately came visit me again.. rolling continuously like never ending water tap..

Looking at the time, second by second past, i calm myself down and they begin to push me into main room..

In there, all very bright.. white bright..

It seems like heaven, but that's where we're separated..

In hours time, magic little ones will no longer grow.. will no longer be seen.. it'll be gone..

Looking at the bright light, i begin to feel dizzy..

Everything seems to be spinning and i dun even know when i went to sleep..

But i have a dream.. i dream there's a pool of red liquid and there's white stuff which they tell me it's the magic little ones..

When i really woke up, i feel cramp..

THe 1st question i asked the nurse was.. "how is the magic little ones? where will the magic little ones end up?"

She only answered me.. "everything will be explain later"

While i wait being push back into ward, i heard the conversation next to me..

"you have a healthy one.. dun worry.. we will send you back to ward.. later you will get to see him.."

Only God knows how much i wish those words are for me..

As time past, as im recovering, i thought i've over it..

But it seems like it hasn't..

When i see something similiar, i begin to think and it gets me sad.. really upset..

Until the latest, this morning after went for Dim Sum, radio was playing a song..

the lyrics goes something like this..

"This is the unique present you gave to me.. At this moment, it's very special to me"

Thinking back my birthday coming soon, the magic little ones should be the greatest gift of all..

But HE took it back..

Tears then again rolling down.. my mood?? instantly went down..

It's past, i know..

But it doesn't mean i won't have any feeling attached to it..

It's over, i know..

But it doesn't mean i could get over it..

It can be heal, i know..

But it doesn't mean it will not leave scar..

Maybe there are people who thinks im feeling too much..

Thinking too much, emotion too much, negatively too much..

But have you thought, if it weren't for all these, there will also be no happiness?

I can accept being compared.. but b4 you find out the whole truth, can you not make ur own judgement about me?