Those were once a sweaty palm

Appreciate those who holds you tightly with love.. because you'll never know when will they let go

I always believe that no matter how hard it can be, nothing is impossible when you know your loved ones are around.. but at the end of the day, everyone and anyone can leave..

Perhaps all of us are just being selfish.. wanting the best for ourselves..

But i think, if silent are meant to be, then why do we advice people to communicate more?

Maybe, im just confused.. yeah, maybe im just confused..

Happy birthday, my Cyrus

Happy birthday, my Cyrus! On your 2nd birthday, it is also my 2nd anniversary on being a mom.. so it is sad for me not able to celebrate it with you..

Anyhow, we will still have many years to go.. and at that time, we will able to celebrate it together with your sibling :)

I wish you grow healthy and be happy always!

I'm a fool!

I naively thought that i could make all of these does not happen before.. for being a fool, i cried..

I never thought im loving someone that is so cold.. i never thought someone i love really can be so cold to me.. watching me cry but he can still be happy.. :(

There's really a part of me really wanted to die.. then to start this all over again.. because i still refuse to believe and accept someone who love me doesn't love me anymore.. i really don't believe it :'(

Im a fool for making myself so dramatic.. im a fool for making myself this bad.. im a fool for refusing love when love is just by my side.. :( 

It's just another day

For most people, 20th August is just another day.. well, to me, it is still another day except it's my birthday :)

Never would i imagine my birthday would feel so empty in heart.. Know nothing but a blank smile..

I guess, one of the thing i should feel happy is that my children still have my heart.. because knowing very obvious i do not exists in your heart anymore :( 

Again, i still do not know why.. and why is always linger around my thoughts.. and... i do not know what to say or do anymore except cry :') 

To find a person and have sex with is easy, but to find a person who loves you sincerely is hard.. So cherish the moment he/she still holding your hand.. because you'll never know when they'll let go..

For this birthday wish, i wish for myself to be happy.. but instead, i actually wish all of these never happened..

Happy Birthday to me!

Say you, say me - you've changed

Recently i see each situation in 2 ways - the good and the bad.. Not sure which are right but it definitely makes my head having severe headache :( .. Not being drama but this is what actually happening to me

I may look okay, but i'm not strong.. To say 4 years is nothing is actually a lie.. 

For most of the people, they would say i'm blaming you or you're counting my mistake.. but the truth is because both of us feel we've changed towards each other.. one thing im sure with myself is - no matter how much i made you feel i wanted a separation, i'm just fooling myself by saying i do not love you. 

I can never accept why you've changed so fast into being so cruel in just few days.. one time we're still talking about next year chinese new year and our unborn child.. but the next time, you insists in divorce no matter what i said or what i've done..

I can only convince myself that i'm no longer the one you love, and that you have found another new lover :') 

I think, it is only a matter of time where you will introduce this new lover to the world.. I can only hurt myself so much by telling myself "wake up Maggie, he found a new love.. just let him go"..

I struggle a lot between my brain and my heart.. To be struggle so much during pregnancy is not what i want.. This too much can make me afraid of myself that i would really die..

I always imagine that when i have leg cramp in the middle of the night, i'm able to wake you up who is just sleeping next to me.. When i'm tired of walking, you will hold my hand and lead me to a rest place.. when i feel like eating weird stuff on odd time, you will always be the one who accompany me eat..

The moment i'm feeling now is like a husband, found new love, and just leave his family apart.. 

Now, i need to learn to be alone.. as simple as watching a movie in cinema.. i would need to go alone instead of hoping you'll be there with me.. :') 

Because everything you do now, is just like a normal friend would do..
Because everything you do now, is just like concerning the children and not me..

Birthday wishes? Just hoping my tears would be the tears of joy and not the tears of sadness  :)

Time is needed but hope is still there

Not sure how to start this but somehow, a part of me still having that hope..

The hope of spending more time never gone even though i know it is impossible.. let's just say, i'm lying to myself :)

Looking at the time of how it passes by so fast, i cannot believe the time for me to have gone forever is so near.. never have i felt so heavy heart except when someone passes away and you'll know for sure you won't be able to spend time when him/her  

I know if i want something to happen, i should make an effort to make it happen.. but i also know, you will feel i'm troublesome if i do so.. at least, to what i think, you will feel that way :)

I know time is needed to forget about you.. so i will give time to myself to forget about you.. :)

The last memory of 4th anniversary

Happy 4th anniversary, my husband! 

This will be the last time i can ever wish you this.. initially i thought of asking you out for the last time.. but then i told myself that there's no point to do so when your heart doesn't have me anymore  :)

I know it's not often of people who remember their anniversary.. but i do.. although i may not say it out, but i still remember..

To some, the number 14 may be a bad luck number especially to chinese beliefs.. but to me, it represent love all the time.. 

We chose to start on the 14th.. and each month of 14th represent different valentine.. we even chose 14th to legally registered as husband and wife.. this, more or less, means that the love are our witness to take care of us from beyond.. 

But now, it may be just a number to you.. :)

Yes, it is definitely sad for me to know i'll be celebrating this alone.. but what can i do, right?

Anyway, as of today we're still legally bond, Happy 4th Anniversary!!  :)