Say you, say me - you've changed

Recently i see each situation in 2 ways - the good and the bad.. Not sure which are right but it definitely makes my head having severe headache :( .. Not being drama but this is what actually happening to me

I may look okay, but i'm not strong.. To say 4 years is nothing is actually a lie.. 

For most of the people, they would say i'm blaming you or you're counting my mistake.. but the truth is because both of us feel we've changed towards each other.. one thing im sure with myself is - no matter how much i made you feel i wanted a separation, i'm just fooling myself by saying i do not love you. 

I can never accept why you've changed so fast into being so cruel in just few days.. one time we're still talking about next year chinese new year and our unborn child.. but the next time, you insists in divorce no matter what i said or what i've done..

I can only convince myself that i'm no longer the one you love, and that you have found another new lover :') 

I think, it is only a matter of time where you will introduce this new lover to the world.. I can only hurt myself so much by telling myself "wake up Maggie, he found a new love.. just let him go"..

I struggle a lot between my brain and my heart.. To be struggle so much during pregnancy is not what i want.. This too much can make me afraid of myself that i would really die..

I always imagine that when i have leg cramp in the middle of the night, i'm able to wake you up who is just sleeping next to me.. When i'm tired of walking, you will hold my hand and lead me to a rest place.. when i feel like eating weird stuff on odd time, you will always be the one who accompany me eat..

The moment i'm feeling now is like a husband, found new love, and just leave his family apart.. 

Now, i need to learn to be alone.. as simple as watching a movie in cinema.. i would need to go alone instead of hoping you'll be there with me.. :') 

Because everything you do now, is just like a normal friend would do..
Because everything you do now, is just like concerning the children and not me..

Birthday wishes? Just hoping my tears would be the tears of joy and not the tears of sadness  :)