A walk to the past

Not sure whether is it because im too free lately, a lot of memories came back to me from where all these started.. good or bad, it all came like a train..

I keep blaming myself for what happened.. keep blaming myself that i shouldn't agree to be your girl from the start.. i keep telling myself you are not the one i imagine i end up would be with.. but why did i agree after u asked me several times?

It's because, at that time, you are different than other guys i dated..

You gave me security by telling me what you doing at any time.. you made me feel that you're eager to see me even it's only for a minute.. you're being transparent with me even when people asked you to stay mysterious.. and most of all, you made me feel like im all you wanted..

And then i thought of what went wrong.. why the first time you cheat.. you said it's my fault so okay, i stupidly tell you to treat her like your girlfriend but don't touch her.. you broke your promises but i stupidly went back because, i really don't want a divorce at that time..

Then when i texted intimacy with another guy and you found out, yeah, we had a big arguement.. i know it hurt you and you're ignoring the pain.. but i still made the effort to made bookings for your birthday.. trying to create topics.. made plan with your mom.. but of course, im not saying im all good.. i know im wrong..

Until the 2nd time you cheated.. you still choose to lie even though i already know.. you've been with me for years.. yet, you still don't understand what kind of honesty im looking for..

You chose to left me when im pregnant.. telling me how soon a divorce can be.. you chose to left me alone on my birthday and happily fooling around with her.. you chose to protect yourself, taking off your wedding ring.. you chose to lie and go on your happy trip with her.. you chose to only concern by words but your action shows otherwise.. yet all these while im just trying to bluff myself.. comforting myself with more and more lies..

When you did something wrong, i find ways to make it better.. when i did something wrong, i find ways to make it better.. why can't i feel that you're actually doing something good to make it all better?

I told myself that one day i will go back.. that all the divorce thing from your mouth is just lies.. until i saw how scared you are when she called.. then i know that's how you both communicate.. with video calls and all? Then i know you're no longer who i thought you were..

You are also just another guy that want sex from any female.. never really protect those you said you care.. because if you did protect, why am i still crying instead of smilling?

I did drive back to your house, waiting to see if you're really home.. and you prove to me you lied.. went to your office, waited to see how your daily work life is.. and you gave me see what i don't wish to see.. but still you lied..

I can only tell myself that im stupid for doing all these.. but these are the only way i get to know the truth for myself..

You may think it's easy.. but how easy it is for a female to sacrifize her life, giving birth to your child, and then to just go away like that? But what's the point of telling you? You'll only take these as excuses for you to fuck more girls!

At times when i asked "does it matter?", all im hoping for is for you to say "yes, it matters to me".. regardless of what im gonna reply after that, at least i feel it matters to you.. i would rather you tell me you already plan an outing and ask me to prepare instead of just asking it for fun and then forget about it.. am i hoping too much? Yes! Im just creating hope to myself so that it can be crushed later..

Several times i dreamt myself going back.. but i wasn't happy because you still do what you do.. you still cheat and fool around thinking it's okay as long as no one knows.. and this is what every wife's nightmare unless she's the mistress behind the story..

You will always think that she's innocent, not knowing what she did behind you.. the same as how the first girl who hurt me but you protected her even after i told you how she hurt me.. 

Was it because im bigger size than her? Was it because i don't know how to "manja" like her? Was it because she gave you excitement more than i do? Is having your child, willing to stay at home be a housewife is not enough for you? Must i be as wild as her? Must i be as fake as her? Must i learn how to seduce other guy only i can be fitted as a female?