The last memory of 4th anniversary

Happy 4th anniversary, my husband! 

This will be the last time i can ever wish you this.. initially i thought of asking you out for the last time.. but then i told myself that there's no point to do so when your heart doesn't have me anymore  :)

I know it's not often of people who remember their anniversary.. but i do.. although i may not say it out, but i still remember..

To some, the number 14 may be a bad luck number especially to chinese beliefs.. but to me, it represent love all the time.. 

We chose to start on the 14th.. and each month of 14th represent different valentine.. we even chose 14th to legally registered as husband and wife.. this, more or less, means that the love are our witness to take care of us from beyond.. 

But now, it may be just a number to you.. :)

Yes, it is definitely sad for me to know i'll be celebrating this alone.. but what can i do, right?

Anyway, as of today we're still legally bond, Happy 4th Anniversary!!  :)

Who am i kidding?

Human only appreciate what's gone.. because when it no longer belongs to you, you'll realise how important it is to you..

Same goes to me.. i always take you for granted.. i know.. as a wife, i rarely fulfil your sexual needs, i rarely call you husband, i treated you coldly, i didn't introduce you to my friends, i rarely wanna go anywhere with you..

But i know, even if i've done so, coming back home, there's still you.. seeing you being impatient makes me happy.. like when you know someone touches me inappropriately, you'll go mad searching for that person.. i smiled in my heart :)

When i always says i didn't love you, i didn't realise im lying to myself.. who in the world can be pregnant with your kid if there's no love? When i said it's none of my business, i lied.. i wanted to know everything but i trusted you for not doing stuff that's hurting me.. i smiled in my heart :)

I'm wrong for not telling you how much i missed you or think of you when you're not around.. even when it is just work, i still didn't tell you because i know, looking at the time, u're coming back home soon.. i smiled in my heart :)

I enjoyed all the pamper you gave me.. and im greedy in wanting more.. but i neglected your feeling at the same time.. im sorry :)

Remember back when we first went to our trip at langkawi, you were being upset when i reject to be your girl.. some part of me smile, because i feel special.. no one ever asked me before and i like that..

Until the time where we first hold hand, the shyness on your face makes my heart melt, cause i never seen someone so happy and shy at the same time by just holding hand.. i smiled in my heart.. and remember the moon? :)

After i quit my recent job, of course im happy for don't have to work anymore.. after you have finally found a job, i decided not to work anymore.. frankly speaking, i really want to just be a housewife.. im not saying this because im afraid of not being attractive anymore.. but because i really wanna spend the rest of my life in this family..

I never forget what we gone through, and not saying that you are.. but because our time has not much left, it's like death to me.. so that's why all these thoughts came back..

I'm not posting this to hope for a change.. because we both have given up.. you're tired, i know.. so i sincerely want you to get some rest :)

nightmare :(

Wasn't sure if i'm affected by lack of sleep recently, but when i do sleep, nightmares arrived. 

I've dreamt of me being dead.. and at my graveyard, i saw my family sobbing and crying.. and then i woke up crying.. 

This dream happen twice and it gives me a kind of bad feeling.. a feeling that i know it'll come true..

Just yesterday, i dream i'm being killed with a razor blade and a kitchen knife.. and i shout till i woke up.. seeing no one but my son - sound asleep..

I know, a dream is a dream.. but in the past, when i dream of these, i had accident.. twice that i remember i thank God for not sending me to hell..

But this time, i wanna go hell.. i wanna rebirth again if i can.. im not saying im giving up my life now.. but i know i have thought several time of dying while giving birth..

24 hours

How many of us can stand not falling asleep for 24 hours just to drain out the tears within?

A lot of thoughts going on, a lot of memories came in and out.. of how we knew each other, to a trip, to dating, to accident, to marriage, to kid.. one destination we unable to reached is to old and death..

Looking back, we have a lot of mistakes and lies.. but none of us would take the blame or responsibility to do what we promised.. i guess, this means we don't love each other enough? Or should i say, we can't stand of those temptations around us..

When one life is in danger, and he/she still chooses to stay in risk of danger just to wait for his/her spouse, is this love? 

4 years is not a short period of time, but it is enough for one to feel heavy hearted..

Goodbye, with love..

14th August

14th August is where all these started, and soon, 14th August is where all these end..

They say it's fate of what all happened and how it becomes a complete piece of puzzle set.. but i would rather say, part of it is by human action..

You say that i might be thinking too much.. but will that thinking be ever exist if there really isn't anything for me to think about? And even if so, what have you did to secure me in believing that i am just being overly thinking?

Clap goes both ways, tango goes both ways.. when one finger points out, at least 3 fingers point back yourself..

I've always thought that i could prove to my family and relative that we're different.. and that we will go till the end where only death do us part.. but it turns out, i'm the one being the fool..

You are not the mistake and failure, cause the one who fail is me.. i chose this path of going on and now, time for an end..

I do not know why you did this during my birthday month.. but as i said, i never really like my birthday cause there will be some issue happens and i do not like it..

Silent tears struke me for nights.. because this is the only way im able to sleep.. but i wish and i know, one day, i no longer needs to hug those tears to bed

Decisions

It is the time where one should decide already that enough is enough..

This was not meant to be, and there is no turning back this time..

Once a cheater, always a cheater

I once thought foolishly that a person can change given some enough time.. but it turns out, i was wrong..

Just when i thought you are changing to be better, you show me again that you never will..

Go on with your lies and find your excitement outside.. and never come back to touch me physically and mentally..

One day, we'll go our separate ways.. this, i promise you!

Hello there baby!

Finally, a sibling for Cyrus..

Wish you grow healthy everyday and see you next year!