Not sure why

15w3d of pregnancy, my weight has lost again.. not sure why but fortunately, baby's healthy.. 

Can feel my bone is cracking as it has been really painful lately.. a simple walk require a lot of strength than i usually need to.. not sure why, but hopefully it's nothing serious..

The other day, bought my family to short walk at Pavilion.. thanks to few AMEX friends that invited me over.. 

Just when we're about to head home, not sure why, but my heart automatically does feel like wanted to go back to Cheras.. nothing serious, maybe it's just a habit or a daily routine..

I've told myself that what's done is done.. no point on hanging on or hoping for stuff that i know for sure won't happen.. not sure why, but a little part of me still hoping..

There are a lot of thing im not sure of.. but im sure that when a person doesn't want you to be in part of their life, it's pretty obvious you can feel it :)

Girl, Lady, Woman

A female, of any kind, like you to do the small little stuff that can constantly remind you of her..

A simple text of "i miss you", or a simple touch of holding her hand can just melt any female's heart - provided she has the same feel to you too :)

Many often forget of such simplicity simply because they do not get the response they expected, or it is just time that brain washed them and tell them to automaticly stop doing so.. which are you? :)

A simple gesture of just looking at her, can already make her feel uneasy and thus, making her blush.. it's never a bad thing because you never know it is actually a sign of her falling for you.. but be wise, because temptation are all around ;)

Next time, carefully observe female around you.. and you'll find out that a simple act can already make them smile :)

What about the male? I'm not sure.. maybe you can tell me :)

Those were once a sweaty palm

Appreciate those who holds you tightly with love.. because you'll never know when will they let go

I always believe that no matter how hard it can be, nothing is impossible when you know your loved ones are around.. but at the end of the day, everyone and anyone can leave..

Perhaps all of us are just being selfish.. wanting the best for ourselves..

But i think, if silent are meant to be, then why do we advice people to communicate more?

Maybe, im just confused.. yeah, maybe im just confused..

Happy birthday, my Cyrus

Happy birthday, my Cyrus! On your 2nd birthday, it is also my 2nd anniversary on being a mom.. so it is sad for me not able to celebrate it with you..

Anyhow, we will still have many years to go.. and at that time, we will able to celebrate it together with your sibling :)

I wish you grow healthy and be happy always!

I'm a fool!

I naively thought that i could make all of these does not happen before.. for being a fool, i cried..

I never thought im loving someone that is so cold.. i never thought someone i love really can be so cold to me.. watching me cry but he can still be happy.. :(

There's really a part of me really wanted to die.. then to start this all over again.. because i still refuse to believe and accept someone who love me doesn't love me anymore.. i really don't believe it :'(

Im a fool for making myself so dramatic.. im a fool for making myself this bad.. im a fool for refusing love when love is just by my side.. :( 

It's just another day

For most people, 20th August is just another day.. well, to me, it is still another day except it's my birthday :)

Never would i imagine my birthday would feel so empty in heart.. Know nothing but a blank smile..

I guess, one of the thing i should feel happy is that my children still have my heart.. because knowing very obvious i do not exists in your heart anymore :( 

Again, i still do not know why.. and why is always linger around my thoughts.. and... i do not know what to say or do anymore except cry :') 

To find a person and have sex with is easy, but to find a person who loves you sincerely is hard.. So cherish the moment he/she still holding your hand.. because you'll never know when they'll let go..

For this birthday wish, i wish for myself to be happy.. but instead, i actually wish all of these never happened..

Happy Birthday to me!

Say you, say me - you've changed

Recently i see each situation in 2 ways - the good and the bad.. Not sure which are right but it definitely makes my head having severe headache :( .. Not being drama but this is what actually happening to me

I may look okay, but i'm not strong.. To say 4 years is nothing is actually a lie.. 

For most of the people, they would say i'm blaming you or you're counting my mistake.. but the truth is because both of us feel we've changed towards each other.. one thing im sure with myself is - no matter how much i made you feel i wanted a separation, i'm just fooling myself by saying i do not love you. 

I can never accept why you've changed so fast into being so cruel in just few days.. one time we're still talking about next year chinese new year and our unborn child.. but the next time, you insists in divorce no matter what i said or what i've done..

I can only convince myself that i'm no longer the one you love, and that you have found another new lover :') 

I think, it is only a matter of time where you will introduce this new lover to the world.. I can only hurt myself so much by telling myself "wake up Maggie, he found a new love.. just let him go"..

I struggle a lot between my brain and my heart.. To be struggle so much during pregnancy is not what i want.. This too much can make me afraid of myself that i would really die..

I always imagine that when i have leg cramp in the middle of the night, i'm able to wake you up who is just sleeping next to me.. When i'm tired of walking, you will hold my hand and lead me to a rest place.. when i feel like eating weird stuff on odd time, you will always be the one who accompany me eat..

The moment i'm feeling now is like a husband, found new love, and just leave his family apart.. 

Now, i need to learn to be alone.. as simple as watching a movie in cinema.. i would need to go alone instead of hoping you'll be there with me.. :') 

Because everything you do now, is just like a normal friend would do..
Because everything you do now, is just like concerning the children and not me..

Birthday wishes? Just hoping my tears would be the tears of joy and not the tears of sadness  :)