just another big woman

I guess health has not been improving lately.. sudden nose bleed and gum bleed begins to lose control..
Not to mention, bone pain, hand trembling, nausea, and latest addition - difficult in breathing..

Not sure whether it's really happening or just psychological pain.. but it is suffering..

Sleep hasn't gone any better.. still having less hour of sleep with mind thinking a lot of stuff.. 

But thanks to you, who have been chatting with me all these while to calm me down and avoid me from doing stupid stuff.. 

I'm just a big woman but not a strong one.. i would also wanna hide in a guy's arm seeking for his protection to everything.. thanks to you with the flower, i'm able to feel like a little lady for a moment.. :)

People who sees me as a strong woman, i wouldn't say you're completely wrong.. but i just couldn't see myself in that way.. 

If i've met you earlier, maybe all these heartache wouldn't be happening.. but nothing is ever too late right? You tell me this is all his game.. and that he is enjoying himself fooling around, being happy with whoever he want and secretly going on with his affair.. and when i end his game, you'll stay with me, making me stronger than i thought.. 

So, i'll remember what you say.. and do accordingly.. just remember to stay with me :)

Mamak session

It's been awhile since i last saw him, so i decided to text him one day to see if we could catch up for a moment..
Fortunately he's free and we ended up in mamak session..

It's been awhile since i last step into a mamak because those who knows me usually knows i rather be appear in pub.. but mamak wasn't so bad because of the great conversations!

He is the only male friend i have whom i knew for almost 10 years and still keep in touch with conversations like we only knew for a day.. a simple word can already made me laugh for the day..

Having said that, he is also the only gentleman i know that i can trust with all my heart.. because, even when im drunk, he would come all the way with 30min drive just to see if im okay without asking anything in return..

Recently he proposed to his girlfriend and im really happy for him.. and of course, in the state of getting a divorce myself, envy does occurs for i know he would give nothing but the best of him to his future one..

He asked why am i so sure that he never cheated on her before? My answer is simple - i trust he is not that kind of guy who cheated just for the excitement..

I do question myself on why am i trusting him so much.. there's no answer because it's all from the bottom of my heart that the strong trust exists..

He then said "if a man gives a woman enough security, then the woman wouldn't doubt a second even when he said he's alone in hotel room with a female".. i nodded because i too agree that it's true..

Driving back home alone i did a lot of thinking.. thoughts that i don't know how to put in words.. thoughts that can never be told to anyone..

But one thing i do know is, being alone is the one thing i cannot avoid.. and it really hurts because it is still never something of what i want..

And so, i tell myself to heal faster.. cut off the marriage as soon as possible.. get back on shape after giving birth.. and then, just find a new lover to complete the rest of my life.. :)

Difficult situations

It just turns out to be the same..

How many times should a person bleed so that they know what is hurt?
When a mistake is done twice, that is a decision..

Many said we should learn from mistakes, that we should take it as a lesson and create a better future..
But what can we learn from f@ck!ng cheap whore?

Destroying a marriage is not as simple as "up to the husband and wife".. alot of others factors do take into account too..
While one may say "do not involve others", it is only an indirect way of protecting 3rd party..

Recently i've been telling myself he's not worth it..
No matter how much i wanna lie to myself, he is just another guy who wants another hole for his dick..

A guy that never thinks for the family, but only thinks for himself is definitely not a guy to be keep..

I'm sad because i hate myself for being so depressed over this thing.. i hate myself for finding excuses for a guy that only knows words for me but actions for another bitch..
I do blame myself for what have happen.. for why i have given the chance but none is appreciated.. so, this can only means that it is time for me to move on and find someone better..

To let go is definitely hard.. but as times goes by, i know i will be better.. i just hope my heart could be as fast as how my brain thinks.. 

I know there's a bunch of happily soon to be married couples.. this means that they are ready to accept a new chapter in their life..

I have my new chapter as well.. not something i could be proud of, but something i can depend on..

A husband needed

There are times where an independent woman are not able to do it herself..
No matter how strong she is, i always believe that 2 is better than one..

Often people thinks that a strong woman do not need anyone's help in what she do.. but does this apply the same for married ones too?

Being an independent woman doesn't mean you have to be single.. as long as a man can give you a sense of security, even housewife can be very independent..

Love exist for a reason.. and i'm sure, God gave the birth specialty to woman for a reason.. for whatever reason there are, no one should be felt left out alone :)

A husband is needed for various reason.. to feel the love, to taste the trust, and to believe the security of a man to a woman for this lifetime..

People are getting married around my age.. and of course, i do wish all of them the very best.. my words of advice is, stay who you are when you propose to her.. she can sacrifize a lot for you :)

It's really not easy for a lady to leave her home and begin a new life with you.. she need to learn new habit of her life and begin to input your family as her first..

There will be times when you both have children.. and she will need to endure the pain, the depression, and to some even giving up their career for the sake of taking care of her child and family.. 

If there are one single moment you are not satisfied with her.. or wanting to cheat on her, please also take the time to think why did you propose to her at the 1st place.. why did you want her to married you instead of any other ladies..

Because, i wish i had those conversations but now, it no longer hold any meaning to it.. 

Fall in love - again

He showed me what is love again..

No matter how many times i get angry with him, he will just come and hug me with a smile..
No matter how ugly i cried or tried to avoid crying infront of him, he eventually feels my pain and come to wipe off the tears..
No matter how many times i try to fake a smile, he will hug me tight without saying a word..

Sleeping next to him made me feels like im in love again..
His sincerity can be felt at any point of time..
He brings so much joy to me and even by just looking at him sleep, i smile sweetly..

Thank you for making me fell in love again.. 

Secret affairs

Secret affairs are amazing because it excites human and promote high blood circulation..
Reasons for secret affairs is because it is secret!
So no matter how hard it is, just deny and say nothing ever happen even when it really did..

I get it..

But what i don't understand is why people still choose to deny when the truth is revealed?
Why when so many chances has given but people still choose to lie thinking they are still safe?

I have been very stubborn in not letting go and thinking it was purely my fault for what happened.. but in the end, you prove to me that i was wrong for thinking so..

You showed me that i should be happy on your affairs.. you showed me how to be fake in front of people and at behind enjoy your secret affairs.. 

After being devastated for 2 months (encounting), i realize i should be moving forward by cutting any relationship with you.. i rather you being single and have your affairs than thinking myself as a failure for your secret affairs..

All of you will conclude that i'm just over thinking.. but if you know what i knew, then you'll see the whole story "why".. 

The simple happiness

Having completely nothing to do for a week really made me feel like im a useless person..

Woke from from bed and lie on sofa.. and then just lay on bed watching tv just feels like the time suddenly pass very slow..

But being with my mom made me realize that happiness actually can be very simple.. most of the women only wants a happy family to take care of.. this is what my mom is..

Sometimes watching her being alone made me feel heartbroken.. when all of her children went out to do their stuff and her husband went to work, she will be left alone at home..

But all she needs to worry is what to cook for dinner, what movie to watch, what to wear at home.. and all these is nothing but what a simple woman wants.. and when her husband off work and back home, she will talk a lot to him, following him around even just a short trip to buy bread :)

At times i feel, failure is never them, the one who truly fail is their children because their children never really learnt what happiness truly is..

Sometimes we are so blinded by materials and money, we forget that smiles from heart are what make us wealthy..

that awesome glow

He said that being pregnant is an awesome glow because although this is something a woman only experiencing, but not all woman gets to know that feeling..

I agreed because what he said is the truth that i know.. i know some woman who tried hard but failed, some who naturally unable to be pregnant..

I had miscarriage the 1st time, and then i thought i won't be able to have another one.. lucky me, i have an adorable son and currently pregnant.. although, this pregnancy may be the last one.. 

He say that pregnant lady are attractive in a way that many of us least expected.. Sex, for example, you don't have to worry about being pregnant at the wrong time (if you know what i mean).. or, it is to sure that you won't be spending your old time alone - you'll have your child!

What he say does inspire me a little.. during these hard time when i also need someone to take care of me, i'm being left out..

you threw me away thinking i'm strong.. but it is your action that shows me how cold blooded you are..

Followed you around and seeing how you secretly made time with her tells me clearly on what is "love".. you are just hiding and lying so that the world will only see the best in you..

Being a mother myself, i know that no matter what happen, a mother will always thinks that her child is the best.. but only a wife/husband will know what they truly are..