Finale

Finally, this is it.. the day we signed the divorce paper..

I don't want it.. but i know i have to signed it :(

Reason why i cried is because knowing our children will be suffering, i feel guilty..

I feel hopeless for unable to hold my marriage.. because, i don't want a divorce..

I feel stupid for doing stuff that aren't what my heart want.. perhaps this is what they call as situation force you to do what you don't wish but it tells you that is right..

Sorry sis, for i did cry while driving.. because im not able to hold back my tears.. 

I started crying when i was still at lawyer firm.. naively, i cannot believe it is happening and i still put on useless hope that all these is just a dream..

Suddenly, having lunch by myself feels so lonely again.. and because of that, i cry again.. stupid, i know.. so i tried my best to hold back the tears.. really really hard i tried, telling myself this is nothing..

If you ask me anywhere i feel uncomfortable, i would say it's my heart.. it really does.. it doesn't feel like it's tearing apart, it doesn't feel like it's burning..

It feels like it has gone disappeared.. it no longer beat in me.. it went away just like that.. just like that..

They say i will feel better.. but why am i feeling more worst? Maybe this is just the early stage.. maybe one day i'll be really fine.. maybe, just maybe..

A walk to the past

Not sure whether is it because im too free lately, a lot of memories came back to me from where all these started.. good or bad, it all came like a train..

I keep blaming myself for what happened.. keep blaming myself that i shouldn't agree to be your girl from the start.. i keep telling myself you are not the one i imagine i end up would be with.. but why did i agree after u asked me several times?

It's because, at that time, you are different than other guys i dated..

You gave me security by telling me what you doing at any time.. you made me feel that you're eager to see me even it's only for a minute.. you're being transparent with me even when people asked you to stay mysterious.. and most of all, you made me feel like im all you wanted..

And then i thought of what went wrong.. why the first time you cheat.. you said it's my fault so okay, i stupidly tell you to treat her like your girlfriend but don't touch her.. you broke your promises but i stupidly went back because, i really don't want a divorce at that time..

Then when i texted intimacy with another guy and you found out, yeah, we had a big arguement.. i know it hurt you and you're ignoring the pain.. but i still made the effort to made bookings for your birthday.. trying to create topics.. made plan with your mom.. but of course, im not saying im all good.. i know im wrong..

Until the 2nd time you cheated.. you still choose to lie even though i already know.. you've been with me for years.. yet, you still don't understand what kind of honesty im looking for..

You chose to left me when im pregnant.. telling me how soon a divorce can be.. you chose to left me alone on my birthday and happily fooling around with her.. you chose to protect yourself, taking off your wedding ring.. you chose to lie and go on your happy trip with her.. you chose to only concern by words but your action shows otherwise.. yet all these while im just trying to bluff myself.. comforting myself with more and more lies..

When you did something wrong, i find ways to make it better.. when i did something wrong, i find ways to make it better.. why can't i feel that you're actually doing something good to make it all better?

I told myself that one day i will go back.. that all the divorce thing from your mouth is just lies.. until i saw how scared you are when she called.. then i know that's how you both communicate.. with video calls and all? Then i know you're no longer who i thought you were..

You are also just another guy that want sex from any female.. never really protect those you said you care.. because if you did protect, why am i still crying instead of smilling?

I did drive back to your house, waiting to see if you're really home.. and you prove to me you lied.. went to your office, waited to see how your daily work life is.. and you gave me see what i don't wish to see.. but still you lied..

I can only tell myself that im stupid for doing all these.. but these are the only way i get to know the truth for myself..

You may think it's easy.. but how easy it is for a female to sacrifize her life, giving birth to your child, and then to just go away like that? But what's the point of telling you? You'll only take these as excuses for you to fuck more girls!

At times when i asked "does it matter?", all im hoping for is for you to say "yes, it matters to me".. regardless of what im gonna reply after that, at least i feel it matters to you.. i would rather you tell me you already plan an outing and ask me to prepare instead of just asking it for fun and then forget about it.. am i hoping too much? Yes! Im just creating hope to myself so that it can be crushed later..

Several times i dreamt myself going back.. but i wasn't happy because you still do what you do.. you still cheat and fool around thinking it's okay as long as no one knows.. and this is what every wife's nightmare unless she's the mistress behind the story..

You will always think that she's innocent, not knowing what she did behind you.. the same as how the first girl who hurt me but you protected her even after i told you how she hurt me.. 

Was it because im bigger size than her? Was it because i don't know how to "manja" like her? Was it because she gave you excitement more than i do? Is having your child, willing to stay at home be a housewife is not enough for you? Must i be as wild as her? Must i be as fake as her? Must i learn how to seduce other guy only i can be fitted as a female?

Hoping too much

Times flies and it's 7month now.. another check up that somehow worries me..
Went to the doctor and doctor was surprise that the baby is in breech condition..
I guess, i've given doctor more surprises than before..

Being alone in the room to hear all these does makes me feel sad.. almost wanted to cry but i doesn't know what's tears is at that time..

Although it's true that i no longer have a husband, it still breaks my heart seeing so many husband accompany their wife for a check up.. what's more to witness some newborn with their parent..

I know i have to be strong.. but i also wish that there's a "he" to tell me everything will be okay.. just as long as the baby is healthy.. but a "he" isn't that easy to be replaced..

I wonder too why is this happening to me.. but a wonder will only lead to more lies.. i know people lie, people cheat.. but i cannot accept knowing people i care lied and cheat on me.. it's like a slow death sentence.. and what's more when it happened twice!

When i be myself and be emotional, it's like im opening a door to invite more negative comments from people.. but when i did not be myself and stay strong, people will have wrong perceptions and says i'm okay..

It is hard to please everyone.. so this is why i remain silent.. or, keeping the real feeling to myself.. occasionally, i did burst out a little.. but when can i really be myself when i feel like my life has destroyed? 

just another big woman

I guess health has not been improving lately.. sudden nose bleed and gum bleed begins to lose control..
Not to mention, bone pain, hand trembling, nausea, and latest addition - difficult in breathing..

Not sure whether it's really happening or just psychological pain.. but it is suffering..

Sleep hasn't gone any better.. still having less hour of sleep with mind thinking a lot of stuff.. 

But thanks to you, who have been chatting with me all these while to calm me down and avoid me from doing stupid stuff.. 

I'm just a big woman but not a strong one.. i would also wanna hide in a guy's arm seeking for his protection to everything.. thanks to you with the flower, i'm able to feel like a little lady for a moment.. :)

People who sees me as a strong woman, i wouldn't say you're completely wrong.. but i just couldn't see myself in that way.. 

If i've met you earlier, maybe all these heartache wouldn't be happening.. but nothing is ever too late right? You tell me this is all his game.. and that he is enjoying himself fooling around, being happy with whoever he want and secretly going on with his affair.. and when i end his game, you'll stay with me, making me stronger than i thought.. 

So, i'll remember what you say.. and do accordingly.. just remember to stay with me :)

Mamak session

It's been awhile since i last saw him, so i decided to text him one day to see if we could catch up for a moment..
Fortunately he's free and we ended up in mamak session..

It's been awhile since i last step into a mamak because those who knows me usually knows i rather be appear in pub.. but mamak wasn't so bad because of the great conversations!

He is the only male friend i have whom i knew for almost 10 years and still keep in touch with conversations like we only knew for a day.. a simple word can already made me laugh for the day..

Having said that, he is also the only gentleman i know that i can trust with all my heart.. because, even when im drunk, he would come all the way with 30min drive just to see if im okay without asking anything in return..

Recently he proposed to his girlfriend and im really happy for him.. and of course, in the state of getting a divorce myself, envy does occurs for i know he would give nothing but the best of him to his future one..

He asked why am i so sure that he never cheated on her before? My answer is simple - i trust he is not that kind of guy who cheated just for the excitement..

I do question myself on why am i trusting him so much.. there's no answer because it's all from the bottom of my heart that the strong trust exists..

He then said "if a man gives a woman enough security, then the woman wouldn't doubt a second even when he said he's alone in hotel room with a female".. i nodded because i too agree that it's true..

Driving back home alone i did a lot of thinking.. thoughts that i don't know how to put in words.. thoughts that can never be told to anyone..

But one thing i do know is, being alone is the one thing i cannot avoid.. and it really hurts because it is still never something of what i want..

And so, i tell myself to heal faster.. cut off the marriage as soon as possible.. get back on shape after giving birth.. and then, just find a new lover to complete the rest of my life.. :)

Difficult situations

It just turns out to be the same..

How many times should a person bleed so that they know what is hurt?
When a mistake is done twice, that is a decision..

Many said we should learn from mistakes, that we should take it as a lesson and create a better future..
But what can we learn from f@ck!ng cheap whore?

Destroying a marriage is not as simple as "up to the husband and wife".. alot of others factors do take into account too..
While one may say "do not involve others", it is only an indirect way of protecting 3rd party..

Recently i've been telling myself he's not worth it..
No matter how much i wanna lie to myself, he is just another guy who wants another hole for his dick..

A guy that never thinks for the family, but only thinks for himself is definitely not a guy to be keep..

I'm sad because i hate myself for being so depressed over this thing.. i hate myself for finding excuses for a guy that only knows words for me but actions for another bitch..
I do blame myself for what have happen.. for why i have given the chance but none is appreciated.. so, this can only means that it is time for me to move on and find someone better..

To let go is definitely hard.. but as times goes by, i know i will be better.. i just hope my heart could be as fast as how my brain thinks.. 

I know there's a bunch of happily soon to be married couples.. this means that they are ready to accept a new chapter in their life..

I have my new chapter as well.. not something i could be proud of, but something i can depend on..

A husband needed

There are times where an independent woman are not able to do it herself..
No matter how strong she is, i always believe that 2 is better than one..

Often people thinks that a strong woman do not need anyone's help in what she do.. but does this apply the same for married ones too?

Being an independent woman doesn't mean you have to be single.. as long as a man can give you a sense of security, even housewife can be very independent..

Love exist for a reason.. and i'm sure, God gave the birth specialty to woman for a reason.. for whatever reason there are, no one should be felt left out alone :)

A husband is needed for various reason.. to feel the love, to taste the trust, and to believe the security of a man to a woman for this lifetime..

People are getting married around my age.. and of course, i do wish all of them the very best.. my words of advice is, stay who you are when you propose to her.. she can sacrifize a lot for you :)

It's really not easy for a lady to leave her home and begin a new life with you.. she need to learn new habit of her life and begin to input your family as her first..

There will be times when you both have children.. and she will need to endure the pain, the depression, and to some even giving up their career for the sake of taking care of her child and family.. 

If there are one single moment you are not satisfied with her.. or wanting to cheat on her, please also take the time to think why did you propose to her at the 1st place.. why did you want her to married you instead of any other ladies..

Because, i wish i had those conversations but now, it no longer hold any meaning to it.. 

Fall in love - again

He showed me what is love again..

No matter how many times i get angry with him, he will just come and hug me with a smile..
No matter how ugly i cried or tried to avoid crying infront of him, he eventually feels my pain and come to wipe off the tears..
No matter how many times i try to fake a smile, he will hug me tight without saying a word..

Sleeping next to him made me feels like im in love again..
His sincerity can be felt at any point of time..
He brings so much joy to me and even by just looking at him sleep, i smile sweetly..

Thank you for making me fell in love again..