This was never easy

You can never show me your heart because you blinded me with your lies.. not all the times but on those important one

There is never a day my heart stop beats for you, but you made me realise all these heartbeats are for the wrong reasons...

I wish there is a time where i could turn back and erase all these heartaches.. because it is never my intention to wash face with tears..

I couldn't ignore what you did, because it constantly reminds me on how dumb i can be for you.. and it hurts to know the way you treat me is "to let the time wash away the tears"..

Am i not worth being treated loyal by a man who love me? Have i done any sin that is so unforgivable that i can only be punished with a million stab to my heart? Am i just destined.... to not be loved?

There's never an easy day for me.. i hide away all the pains with smiles and joke.. but really, im having this constant headache that is tearing me apart..

I want an end to it.. because i wanted to shine again sincerely.. i wanna tell the world that im in love again.. that im back on track.. that i stand up once again for love.. for a man i love and for i know he will treat me right..

How can this be so hard?

Congratulations!

Congratulations on your new girl!
Although it is not something I'm surprise on, it still show me that you still choose to lie..
There are stuff you should cover, but there are situation you could not cover with all your might..
When your honesty doesn't checks out, then it can only be accompanied with all eyes seeing at you in an unfavorable way..

I did wonder why you still choose to deny, and at the end, i convinced myself that it was because you still wanted to recover your dignity with lies..
Then, looking back, I can only see myself as a blind, brainless woman who doesn't wanna accept the truth and only keep on hurting myself..

So, my new years' resolution is to be a happier me! - by subtracting you from my life..

This was never an easy solution.. but you made it easier by showing me how rubbish i am all these while..

Final week of 2015

What will be your new year's resolution?
Another year is going to end real soon.. Have you been reflecting your past and look forward to a different you?

Perhaps it would be better to maintain the current you?

The past me, there are ups and downs.. But I learned in a hard way that no matter what happens, you will only have yourself.. 

Therefore, I look forward to a better, happier me!



Here's to more parties in 2016!!

Not in favor?

Revenge, seems to be serious and this is how I feel everyday coming to work..

Scary~~

I always believe that besides home, office should be like your 2nd family because that is where we spend most of our times at.. Hence, colleagues are like our 2nd family member..

Unfortunately, not in my case.. at the current moment, I feel so life threaten as i type..

Why? Long story..

To cut it short, it is only because of a wrong mistake driven by a negative energy in a person and leads her into doing wrong things.. Now, fingers are pointing everywhere and the devil is looking for her sweet revenge

How? I wouldn't know.. all I know is indirectly I am involve in it.. 

But I always tells myself to think positively.. Maybe I am just being paranoid.. I might be just thinking too much.. and so, just stay calm and be careful.. :)

Her home, Your place

Went pass by her place yesterday, the place where you enjoyed your time there..
The exact place that got me upset, with seeing both of you smiling in car..

Able to cover up isn't your style anymore, and to turn one eye blind is not my style either..
So to come to a conclusion of us being apart seems to be much easier for you..

I sometimes wonder how can you easily agree on staying away from me..
Now i know it's because you have your new place now..

It used to be with me, but now it is with her..
It used to be our place, but now it has became your place..

To accept changes in a positive way is not easy, especially when there is nothing positive that i can see..
Perhaps you showed me in your actions that the only positive thing for me, is that being away from you..

Her home has now become your place..
And soon enough, your place will be her home..

It's not always about the task

For all those who are currently working now, who is employed under a company,
have you been in a situation where the stress / pressure did not come from your job task, but from a person instead?

Be it your colleague / boss, it feels like as if they are testing your patience to the MAX level..

Yes, most of our seniors will be inputting the same comments into our head - "be patience and you will get through it", "this is working life", "if you can't stand such little comments then you won't be success" .

And so, are we being paid to be a scolding bag to the seniors? Are we being paid to do jobs accordingly and then get finger blamed for nothing when something goes wrong? Don't we ALL have the patience limits?

I do love my job.. I gave my heart out for every task I am doing.. Of course, I do not favor situations where I'm being a puppet and be told what to do and then get blamed for just following orders.. Logic? No, it doesn't make sense to me.. it's Nonsense!

A constant change of mind from bosses can not only demotivate an employee but it also confuses them in what to do next..
Next thing you know, your employee will spend half of their time thinking and guessing what their boss really want them to do instead of doing what they normally do best..

Confusing isn't it? I know.. :(

SO what does all these leads to? not productivity, not growth but only stress.. STRESS!

to be honest...

To be honest, I just don't know how to communicate with you..
You are like the ball hanging on a thread.. Wind blows that enable you to move everywhere..
I couldn't understand what you really want.. because it seems like you have a minor Alzheimer..

I do understand that people got their own way of doing work.. mine too!
Some people care for the results, while others care for the process..
But with you, you are just wanting a puppet of your own.. to follow what you want them to do..
A puppet that is a replica of you.. another you.. the twins you..

To be honest, that is not me :)

It is not friendly at all

I understand that some competition can trigger people to be motivated..
It is good especially a friendly kind of competition.. It just helps to move people around..

But too much of the competition can not only make it worst, but also make the people becomes individualist, selfish, fake, and lies.. at least, this is what i think, what i feel..

It has only becomes the "face game" for the superior and war between workers below.. and if this is so, how can this be any team work? or motivation as it initial started to be?

Or maybe, it is only me who cut off from the working society now.. I remembered harmony in working few years back and we work as a team, a real team player, and hence, as a company, we stand strong.. 

For now, all I can sense is only people trying hard to protect their own salary, their own benefit, their own face.. and it's often forgotten that at some point of your time in life, you would also need a shoulder to lean on..

It's okay..

It's okay if you're hating me.. because then i do not need to like you
It's okay you're saying im cheapskate.. because it only reflect you being ugly
It's okay if im taking all the blame.. because then it shows how unshameful you are
It's okay if im being misunderstood.. because then i know what am i in you..

Being too strict has its own good.. but a coin have 2 sides..
A competition can motivate you.. but too much of it won't be friendly..

I will be seeing rainbows.. but it's a pity to know you're seeing monotone that you thought is colorful..

sometimes, I wonder.....

OMG.. recently my thoughts are all about Australia..
Wanted to just fly there, thinking ways to stay there, or was it just because i was on holiday mood and that's why i loved there so much..

Sometimes, i wonder if i were still single and no high commitment, i can just leave anytime now..
Maybe, to start a fresh chapter at a country im learning to love.. i dunno :)

It definitely doesn't looks like there is any improvement in my relationship.  So, is this a sign?

Sometimes, like any other people, i will be wondering of the "what if" situations.. 

But putting all aside, i am just missing my days at Australia!

just a thought

I am not sure why do i still stuck with you..
But i wish this is the right one..

Remembering too much lies is not a good thing..
But it's not an easy task to forget about it..

Those feelings that you inflicted in me..
I can still feel it until today..

So don't go on and playing any more games..
If i wasn't your only player..

Happy birthday to you

3 years ago today, i am still resting after having the surgery..
Though wound is pain, but i can never forget the sight of you around me..
You, who being so angel, didn't know cruelty of the world - yet..
But you definitely brings the joy to everyone!

Happy birthday my love!

Happy Birthday to me!!~~

Because at the end of the day, family matters most..

Happy Birthday to me!

never a perfect one

Never once i think there are passbyer that comes perfectly right.. maybe it is because the word "perfect" just seems to be perfectly wrong?

Often we envy those who we heard how good they are and who they belong to.. but really, will people intentionally show their flaw?

But then again, when situations or feelings blinds us, how can we really see clearly?

rewind. play. replay

Once again, like many common function, to rewind. Play. Replay..
There will be hundreds and hundreds of good heartwarming moments..
But it only takes one dot to make it all go inperfect..

I wonder why do we remember bad things over good things more..
Does it help in preventing us from repeating? I bet not..

So if both are equally same weight to the heart, both place significant role for the mind, why are we enlarging bad moments over the good ones?

Hhmmmm... rewind? play? replay?

positivity :)

"Look at the bright side"..... they said

Very often, we as human would magnify negative stuff to cover all the good deeds..
And these often leads to least favorable sotuations..

So i thought, why not look at the bright side of you..

There are a lot that you have gave me, but i only remember major few..

First one was when we're at Sunway Lagoon.. so naive that we thought we could just walk around with bare feet.. up to a point where i no longer able to walk, you volunteer to carry me on your back.. 
Little did i know that your feet are injured too but you never told me, and most of all, never stop in carrying me..

I know i had some weight on with your slim body.. i do feel guilty and sweet at the same time..

And then there is time where you show how protective you are by wanting to find those who hurt me and apologize to me.. although i would rather it be forgotten to avoid any arguement, but the thought of you remembering it and keep saying wanting to find "them" shows how much important my smile is to you :)

The other time is when you are willing to spend your money to beautify me.. thousands and thousands of ringgit that is spend on my request to make me look slimmer.. what's nice is that even if it fails to show result on me, you never said anything about me wasting your money..

I know at current situation it doesn't help with anything to improve our relationship.. but i do hope one day you are able to still make me feel important.. i really do..

good reads

Beautiful advice for those who getting divorce

Was browsing the net until i came across to the link above..
It is a good read to me as i wanted to know how it should be..

I believe it is not only for men, but applicable for those wives as well, like me!  :-)

Although i must say some will think, how hard can it be.. it's just a divorce, not the end of the world..
But if he/she is your world when you made the vows, then isn't it the same as the end of the world?

*food for thoughts*

time flies

Look!
Time flies..
Another month and it's close to a year..
Didn't thought this day would ever come..

And the feeling? Still fresh.. not as new, but definitely fresh..

As much difference it can be for situations, the mind and soul still feels exactly the same..






*sigh*

Trust issue

When you decided to hide stuff from your partner,
If you are afraid when your partner goes through your stuff,
That is when..... That could be means.....
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..... perhaps, a surprise for your partner?

I know there are many people in their mind set as I would type the word "cheating" or "lying".. and if you belong to these 90% of the people, does it means you have trust issue too, like me?

There were times where my partner are hiding stuff from me to give me surprises.. E.G, flowers, gifts, vacations, even proposal!

But somehow, i don't really know how and why, these hidings are purely because of cheating situation.. And eventually, trust has become and issue where no one can ever say "I trust you" sincerely..

There will only be times where I would say "I'll try to trust you" or "I hope I can trust you"..

But who am i kidding, I sometimes don't trust myself as well.. Let alone to trust anyone around me.. *sigh*

little action, big consequences

Only dead people can keep a secret..
Only dead people able to know the truth..

Should i just.. be dead?