In dilemma

Was walking alone at Sg. Wang and wait for the time to pass..
It feels very lonely..

Saw families are enjoying themselves with laughter and joy.. but to think of myself, i doesn't have the luck..

Walking alone is not hard.. what's hard is when the heart really feel sad..

I tried to shower myself with happiness.. but when he's not there, it's not the same..
Not saying i have to rely on a guy, but when you have one, why not?

Im not sure should i be happy for this guy to be getting a divorce soon with his wife.. but i recently found out that everyone around me is cheating on each other..

It's just surprise to know how fragile love is.. and how strong temptations are.. i guess, if i wasn't pregnant now, i'll be like them too..

But i'm glad that this pregnancy shows me clearly how forever never happen.. it shows me that cheating is much more fun and lasting than "till death do us part"..

thank you..

Thank you for the treats..

Thank you for the hugs..

Thank you for the dreams..

Thank you for the kiss..

It's nice to have someone still thinking about you during your down times.. because since he's having fun, why not i enjoy myself :)

Even though i have to drive around, but to me it's okay.. cause it's not every day you get to see someone you're interested with and he's the same to you :)

Thank you!

a little something from the heart

If there is one thing i wanna tell you, it would be...

I don't want a divorce

It may sound fake but i couldn't emphasis more on how true it is..

But i also know that love doesn't exist anymore as husband and wife.. so, i can only lie to myself until the day i die..

Many of you may say, just ask me to tell the truth to him.. i can't because i'm only feeling the love is gone and there's no point for only me hanging on..

I would want everything to restart.. but only by my power, i cannot do it alone..

I hate myself for still crying and feeling sad.. i hate myself for being so useless..

But is there really a way not to feel sad? Please teach me to stop these tears as well..

A man and his wife

When you're holding on tight to something very much, you're only suffocating yourself..
You may think that it's happiness you're chasing, but in actual fact, you are just lying to everyone..

To let go someone you love is never easy..
But never, NEVER let go someone you know they wanna stay.. because this is like killing them in a silent way..

I used to blind myself that you're still loving me.. but in actual fact, i'm just lying to myself.. 
You may say i am wrong, that what u did are all in purpose.. but if your purpose is to let my heart die, you've achieved what u wanted..

You may say you're still protecting me, but you're just protecting your face.. many still come to me and say "he tell me that you are the fault.."

In which i don't understand, the same as how i don't know you anymore..

I only know, a man should protect his family.. for it is him who build up the family with his wife..
Leaving the wife alone is not what a man should do, no matter how bad the situation are..
A wife can do many wrong things, say many wrong stuff.. 
But a man shouldn't ever let the wife know or see how is he being happy with another woman..

No one know how a wife feel when she saw what she saw..
Because all, and really all of the human always said, woman should close an eye for what happen..

I do not think this is the right way, because only one side not able to maintain the whole family.. 
If a man foolishly thinks leaving a family is good, then this man doesn't know what good really is..

No one should blame this man, for there are many factor that contribute to the whole situation..
But often, a wife would only wish for her man to see the whole situation in clearer way..

Death

They say death is the new beginning..

So for me to start a new life, I must first die?

People think, and they assume

People think i've changed, but i didn't..
They think i began to calm, but i didn't..
Most of them think i won't be posting stuff, but i didn't..
It's just that they don't know, cause i set it as private..

For a "not long not short" period, yes, logically saying it's not hard to let it go.. but can you? Can i? Can we?

People thinks because they can do it, then the rest of us can make it too.. 
But if it is, why do some of us face depression and some might leads to suicide?

It's not that i wanted to be negative all the time, but during these time, who can ever be positive?

To move an item is easy.. to shift a feeling is hard.. Moreover it's someone you had kids with and decided to stay forever.. 

But i guess it's okay.. i guess this is common.. telling myself get through this and maybe, just maybe, find another one :)

Probability of "If"

Can someone tell me why a person can change to treating you like friend so fast after loving you for at least 4 years? 

If it wasn't for a new love, then why? How?

I know there can be a lot of reasons.. but what are the probability of "If"? 50%? 80%? 0%?

Many have asked me, am i sure this is the only way? I stay silent.. some asked me to just cut it off.. I stay silent.. few asked me to endure.. I stay silent..

But silent doesn't mean I'm not thinking at all.. it's just there's really alot going on in my mind even until now..

You may think if all these ended, i wouldn't be this suffer.. but i can tell you, then, you're wrong for making a conclusion for me.. 

Not sure why

15w3d of pregnancy, my weight has lost again.. not sure why but fortunately, baby's healthy.. 

Can feel my bone is cracking as it has been really painful lately.. a simple walk require a lot of strength than i usually need to.. not sure why, but hopefully it's nothing serious..

The other day, bought my family to short walk at Pavilion.. thanks to few AMEX friends that invited me over.. 

Just when we're about to head home, not sure why, but my heart automatically does feel like wanted to go back to Cheras.. nothing serious, maybe it's just a habit or a daily routine..

I've told myself that what's done is done.. no point on hanging on or hoping for stuff that i know for sure won't happen.. not sure why, but a little part of me still hoping..

There are a lot of thing im not sure of.. but im sure that when a person doesn't want you to be in part of their life, it's pretty obvious you can feel it :)